It’s been a month since I last posted. This time it was not because of business or time, it was because I didn’t want to live and writing about it here would have not helped.
In the month past I have quit drinking (2 months sober, only having 5 drinks along the way). Why? I hated it. It put me in an awful place unless I made myself get absolutely wrecked, so I quit. While quitting, I realised that I was getting worse. For the first time in years, I didn’t want to exist. The alcohol had been a cover, masking the fact my meds weren’t working. Now, i’m getting better. The dose has been increased (although tooth pain side effect is driving me insane) and i’m getting more distractions from medicine.
I have started working part-time, I have joined the university cricket, cycling and triathlon teams. Although this has meant spending less time on my studies, I am not behind.
I was lucky this time to have someone who listened, when a lot of others ignored the problem. There was no instigating factor this time, my mind just suddenly turned.
I’m not going to put a message such as ‘you’re not alone’ in this post because when you feel suicidal, you do feel alone, as if no one can help you, but, there is always someone to contact, to talk to, to save you from yourself.